What do you do when the nparents don’t live up to an open adoption?
loserguurl asked:
I have a friend who has a daughter she adopted in what was supposed to be a 2 way open adoption situation. The nparents wanted visits, pictures, letters. She’s been upset in the past because most emails go unreturned and in 6 years the nparents have never asked questions or wanted to visit. She just emailed me shocked because the holiday package she sent out came back as undeliverable due to a move. No forwarding address available. She’s wondering what to do–what do you think? Why would someone do this?
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I have a friend who has a daughter she adopted in what was supposed to be a 2 way open adoption situation. The nparents wanted visits, pictures, letters. She’s been upset in the past because most emails go unreturned and in 6 years the nparents have never asked questions or wanted to visit. She just emailed me shocked because the holiday package she sent out came back as undeliverable due to a move. No forwarding address available. She’s wondering what to do–what do you think? Why would someone do this?
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February 23rd, 2009 at 9:01 pm
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drop it. it’s done. they’ve taken off and you can’t force it.
it’s a shame for the kid but you can’t force it.
February 25th, 2009 at 3:19 pm
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I detest people who do this. Check the courthouse for their forwarding address, which is often on file longer than many forms (like their personal property tax address).
Google their names, and try to send a letter, with a “forwarding address request” on it. The post office can instruct her how.
I encourage ever woman who places a child to get identifying information, such as the social security numbers, and to frequently check the address themselve to make sure it’s not changed.
February 26th, 2009 at 11:31 pm
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She could get an attorney, but unfortunately, open adoptions are not legally enforceable. Its a tool some brokers use to woo a mother into relinquishing. Its a sad and dirty little trick they play on mothers, and the child gets hurt, too.
The parents do this because they do not want any competition, or any reminders they did not give birth to their child.
I feel bad for your friend and her child. The parents who do this dont realize that their children will eventually search for their mothers, and will find out these little tricks, and then they are the ones who lose.
eta- I misread the original questions. I stand by my statement that many brokers use this tactic & parents do not respect the agreement later down the road, in a few instances, the reverse happens. I would still try to track her down.
February 27th, 2009 at 7:36 pm
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Tell her to leave it go. The birth mother isn’t worth wasting any more time on. If she wanted the child she would have kept it, plain and simple.
Linny, WTF…the birther is the one that closed the adoption, not the adopters. How is this a ploy that the agency used? How is this the fault of anyone other than the birther? You are so ready to jump all over adopters that you just look like an ass!
February 27th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
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They don’t want to be in touch anymore. I would just drop it. She can tell her child when she is older what happened. If her child sees her trying to contact her and realizes that they are not responding she is likely to get her feelings hurt. There is nothing your friend can do. So she should let it go to protect her child feelings.
Love,
Michelle
February 28th, 2009 at 9:28 am
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Hi Loserguurl,
I have been in a similar situation. Actually i think the best way to look at this relationship is more of a professional relationship. I don’t know if that makes sense. I think as aparents we love our kids and see their other family as family. We want them to like us, buy them gifts, and share the joys of raising their amazing child. Its too tough, I think. Its too hard on the natural parents. We, as aparents, have to step back and respect the difficulities they may be experiencing and not get our feeling hurt. That’s where i get the professional relationship idea.
So set our feelings aside, this is for the child. You can go to the post office and pay $2.00 and request a forwarding address for the natural parents. Don’t send personal gifts, unless they involve the child’s artwork, handprints, etc. Your friend has to keep trying to at least send letters and pictures. If that is too hard for the natural parents then they can choose not to open them. Your friend has to keep up her end of the open adoption. A promise is a promise right? The child involved will appreciate the effort and she can rest assured knowing she did all she could to keep the communication open for her child.
Its hard when there is no communication. Tell her to hang in there. We have to have more empathy because we don’t know what is going on in their lives and how they are handling this loss.
best wishes.
March 3rd, 2009 at 12:32 pm
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Even though I do agree that opened adoptions are used as a ploy by agencies, I also know how hard it is sometimes to think about a child that isn’t with you. It can be unbearable.
My guess is either it’s too painful, they don’t feel worthy, or they are busy self medicating for any number of reasons. Surrendering a child is very much a good enough reason to self medicate in the eyes of someone in that position.
I’m really sorry it turned out that way for your friends child.
March 4th, 2009 at 11:36 am
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If that is what the child wanted then it’s unfortunate but perhaps it’s a good reminder that it’s not always the adoptive parents who cut these things off and they are not always positive experiences. As to why they did it…only they can answer that for sure.
March 5th, 2009 at 7:27 pm
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Mothers who surrender their children for adoption are ill prepared for the enormity of the pain they are going to face, even in open adoptions. Read Teri Enbourg’s essay, “The Wall” for a real idea of what it is for them. Just as a lot of non-custodial Dads (due to divorce) do not take a large and active part in their children’s lives because it is just too painful to be a bit player in the most sacred of all relationships, it is so for mothers, too.
March 5th, 2009 at 9:48 pm
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Your friend is trying to do her end of the bargain (which I respect her for). If the bio parents don’t return emails or don’t want to visit then not to worry about it or get upset, just continue writing the letters and putting the packages together and put them aside in the hopes of reconnecting with them one day.
Who knows why they are acting they way they are? They may get upset when they are reminded of the child they put up for adoption? They may not care… believe it or not there are people out there who just do not care about the children they have (people can be cruel and selfish).
I’d ask at the post office if they have any information or way to find out the new address… if not, try the adoption agency. If she can’t find her address, I’d continue writing the letters and putting the packages together and set them aside for when I find the address.
If I can’t find the address I’d wait until my child asked about searching for his/her biological parents and if/when they found them, I’d give them the stuff then.
Otherwise I’d wait until my child was old enough to understand and without insulting his/her bio parents I would tell my child that I have letters & packages waiting for them. It would be like a journal/diary of my child growing up & if I could never find the bio parents agan I would pass the stuff on to my child. Who knows the bio parents could have passed away, gone to jail etc? I would always keep it on a positive note with my child (never putting their bio parents down) and discussing with them when they are older what they’d like to do going forward (we can continue to write the letters in the hopes we find them or would they rather we stop?)
Always keep your child’s best interest in mind with the understanding that it may be an agreement between the bio parents and the adoptive parents… but when the child is old enough it should be an agreement that the child is ok with otherwise the agreement is off. It’s not about the parent(s).. it’s ALWAYS about the child!
March 8th, 2009 at 11:15 pm
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That kind of thing happening has been a concern for us because we have an open adoption with our childrens birthparents. They want lots of contact but it scares me to think it could suddenly end.
That’s why I don’t look at open adoption as being black and white… why do people place so much on the shoulders of all involved in an open adoption to have this perfect relationship that’s all fluffy with no glitches along the way. It takes time for things to happen, trust to build. (Unrealistic expectations is what hurts everyone involved the most. In ANY relationship.)
An open adoption is about people and relationships and I look it as not just about now but over a lifetime.
(And in a lifetime people do have commitments and need space even from close relationships so they can become stronger.) If it does happen we have though of ways to cushion it without lying about it or glossing over it. ( I’m realistic about it, but I would also cushion it so kids can learn and not feel totally emotionally floored by it.) Kids do need to learn about this along the way. That everything that happens in the peoples lives around them isn’t all about them or a personal rejection. It’s just part of growing up.
Think about it…do you see every close friend or relative all the time. (Well if you live next door you might.) In our case no way simply because of distances. It doesn’t mean we care about them any less or that we don’t still all have a close bond. We often won’t see each other for years at time. When we do catch up we pick up where we left off.
We have thought of a few approaches just in case it does happen… Mainly that “Sometimes people need space to grow and build a life… it doesn’t mean she loves you any less because we aren’t seeing her at the moment…give her that space honey, I’m sure you’re in her thoughts. We’ll keep sending in pictures and photo’s to post adoptions. Maybe one day in the future we’ll see her when the time is right again.”
If they reach 18 yrs old and still no contact then I guess its onto the post adoption registry to look for her. I’d help her if she wants too search. Or just be mum and support her if she chooses to do it alone.
That’s all you can do…
March 9th, 2009 at 2:11 am
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I lost my relative many years ago, because the Nmother got sent letters/photographs by the adoptive parents, but she never bothered to reply. So, they started sending them less and less and the whole thing just ‘fizzled out’.
It’s sad that things like open adoption can just ‘fizzle out’.
March 10th, 2009 at 6:43 am
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Unless you can talk to the adoptive parents and ask them why, you won’t know for sure what the reason is! It could be the child’s decision, it could be they don’t see a point in honoring their open adoption agreement (that would be awful)! Tell your friend not to give up though… Not for herself, but for the child!